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Crusty Bend is a account cavalcade accounting by Aggressive Editor Matt Samet, a climber of 30 years. Aback he’s not at the gym or the rocks aggravating to avoid off the assured achievement abatement of average age, you can acquisition him in his basement arena Xbox.

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We are all gumbies at some point.. Illustration: Mike Tea

If there’s one accepted accuracy in climbing, it’s that we were all gumbies at some point. All I accept to do is anticipate aback 30 years to 15-year-old me on my aboriginal aggressive course, and I shudder. I wore ratty diaphoresis pants with antagonism stripes up the sides, a bike helmet, and a Swiss bench accouter fabricated of webbing, and climbed in alive shoes. I was pumped out of my alembic aback I assuredly thrashed my way up a 5.5 chimney—how one gets pumped on a 5.5 chimney, I’m still not sure, but I was redlined. Fortunately, I had mentors, older, wiser, stronger climbers to advice save me from myself and who accomplished me which accessory to use, how to use it, and how to move on rock. Yes, there was a continued alteration out of gumbyhood into acceptable a full-fledged climber (I’m still alive on it), but eventually I array of got my bits together.

We’re not all so lucky. Some climbers, either through abridgement of mentorship or the amiss affectionate of mentorship or adamant cluelessness or aloof actuality idiot-knowitall-showoffs-who-refuse-to-learn, abatement into the class of “perma-gumby.” Despite the amazing accoutrement and abundance of ability at our fingertips about best practices, they still do inexplicably lame, backward-ass things. I’m not abiding breadth they’re acquirements these behaviors; conceivably there’s a Hogwarts-style Gumby Academy about churning them out, because there doesn’t assume to be any added account added than the access in gym culture. (For accurate affirmation of such shenanigans, I would accredit you lolchufferz.tumblr.com, the best armpit anytime on the Internet.) But that’s alone the bisected of it, because abounding of these behaviors are additionally apparent at the cliffs, sometimes by acclimatized climbers who didn’t aloof blunder out of the gym, clueless and unmentored, but accept been about continued abundant to apperceive better.

Along those lines, I’ve appear up with the Top 10 Perma-Gumby Behaviors, as able-bodied as appropriate a band-aid for each. Conceivably you accept some account of your own about affection and cures. Feel chargeless to leave them in the comments—together we can Accomplish Aggressive Great Afresh (MCGA)!

Why? Aloof why? I see bodies accomplishing this at the gym all the time—bouldering to balmy up for avenue climbing, or cooling bottomward from avenue aggressive by bouldering, with their accouter on. There is no acumen for this. Bouldering involves physical, dynamic, gymnastic movement, and if you don’t charge to accept on an impediment to that movement, such as a harness, bassinet abounding of cobras on your head, or haversack abounding of pots and pans, afresh don’t. As a accurate experiment, I timed myself putting on and adjusting my accouter (25 seconds) and demography it off (9 seconds). That is aloof over bisected a minute absolute for accouter donning and doffing. Surely you can additional bisected a minute to ensure a able bouldering affair and not attending like an arrant tool?

Find a acceptable acquaintance and allocate him with the affliction of your harness: “Jürgen, I’m activity to be route-climbing from 10 to 12 today, afresh I’m activity to bedrock from 12 to 1. Can you appear booty my accouter abroad at apex and put it about secure?” Like that aloft Vicodin aficionado who had a motorcycle blast and now needs a trusted caregiver to admeasure out his Oxycontin every eight hours so he’s not bistro it like Tic-Tacs, you’ll charge alfresco advice until you advance the all-important willpower.

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“Oooh, attending at me, I’m an elite-level climber and this avenue is sooo adamantine and this aboriginal blow is sooo boxy I charge to array the braiding over my accept while aggressive up to it so I can blow it added quickly. Hey, hey—are you attractive at me? Please attending at me!!! Goddammit, somebody, anybody, for the adulation of all that is appropriate in the universe, attending at me!!! Me, me, ME, ME, MEEEEEE!!!!”

Take the braiding that’s over your shoulder, accomplish an added blanket or two about your neck, blow the aboriginal bolt, and afresh accept your belayer booty really, absolutely tight. Hang there for a acceptable minute or two to analysis the system.*

(*Don’t do this; it will annihilate you.)

You apperceive what I don’t appetite up my ass aback I abatement in the bouldering cave? Your keys, your iPhone, and your baptize bottle. Believe it or not, there is a abode alleged a “locker room” with these metal things alleged “lockers,” central which you can abundance your items application an amazing apparatus alleged a “combination lock.” Or you could alike use a “backpack” or a “gym bag.” Or leave your buzz and baptize canteen in your “car” and get baptize from the “drinking fountain” in the “lobby.” The possibilities are endless.

Either use one of the solutions proposed above, or, to save added assemblage the affliction of accepting your sundries lodged in their backside, artlessly abundance these items in your own behind for safekeeping. It may booty some accomplishing to get them up there—I’d advance ambience them beneath the yellow-tape V3 afresh falling off astern afresh assimilate them, after lube.

There is no reason, ever, to do a double-dyno. There are no acceptable bedrock climbs anywhere that accept this blazon of move on them—if a avenue has a binding bifold dyno, afresh it’s time to move on. That avenue is broken.

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The alone actuality I’ve anytime apparent accomplishing a bifold dyno was Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. And the alone acumen he was accomplishing this was to get abroad from himself, because he knew, abysmal bottomward in the base of his body breadth we can’t adumbrate from the lies we acquaint ourselves to get through the day, that he was the blazon of absolute also-ran who does bifold dynos. And so, with anniversary dyno, there he’d be, assertive to latch the hold, chargeless from the accouterment of force and assuredly accepting able his existential prison. But afresh as anon as he landed the hold, it was aback to aboveboard one: “I’m a double-dynoing poseur gumby loser,” Sly would think. “And anybody knows it.”

If you charge dyno, do one-handed dynos, admitting alike those can be iffy, abnormally if you’re accomplishing them in access shoes to affect added climbers.

Where this one started, I accept no idea—there seems to be this angle that blurred through blubbery stainless-steel blurred rings somehow causes profound, actual damage, and so you charge rappel “for the acceptable of the community.” Hogwash. The alone affectionate of rings you can’t lower through are the thin, chiffon aluminum rappel rings; the stainless rings, such as you acquisition aloft best action routes, are meant to be bargain through many, abounding times afore there’s abrasion or grooving. In fact, a clean, well-maintained braiding will accept negligible appulse on the rings—it’s bedraggled ropes, burdened with soil, sand, or moisture, that act as mini-sawblades. Moreover, charwoman draws while you rappel is abundant sketchier than avaricious them on the way down, bargain on toprope, abnormally if a avenue is overhanging or traversing and you charge to breach trammed in.

Put up a few routes of your own, analysis out the specs on ballast accouterments at fixehardware.com or rapbolting.com, and/or acquisition a aboriginal ascensionist or alive bolt replacer to coach you about anchors and hardware. If you absolutely appetite to do article for the community, accumulate tabs on ballast accouterments at your bounded bluff and alter any blurred accouterments as needed—all you charge is a bend and backup hardware. It’s not rocket science. Alike a blockhead like me can do it, and I acclimated to do bifold dynos in the bouldering cavern with my accouter on.

If your shoes are so adequate you can accumulate them on for the absoluteness of your gym or aggressive session, afresh they’re way too big or they’re aloof crappy. Alike if they’re bound and you charge abatement amid pitches, you shouldn’t booty them center off and angle on the heels—this deforms the heel cup and, over time, turns a nice brace of bedrock shoes into floppy, awkward choss.

Wear antic shoes, everywhere, always. And maybe a dunce cap. And while you’re at it, go sit in the bend and anticipate yourself accomplishing bifold dynos.

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You’ve apparent that guy at the gym or the cliff, toproping, with no charge for annihilation on his accouter but who still insists on rocking: a cordelette, prusiks, belay knife, belay device, quickdraws, baptize bottle, laminated belay agenda or avenue topo, etc. These bodies admonish me of the affluent jackoffs who go skiing at Aspen or Vail afresh leave their lift tickets on their jackets aback they airing into the gas base on the way home, as if to telegraph “Look at what I did today. Aren’t I so actual #blessed, you impoverished, apologetic fuckers?” Ditto for the “Batman harness”—“Look at all this actuality I need, because I’m so core. Sure, I ability not charge it appropriate now while auto-belaying on 5.4 in the gym, but I absolutely bare it aftermost weekend on Death Offwidth (VII 5.11 X) and will absolutely charge it afresh anon on Grim Reaper Headwall (VI 5.13 X), clashing the blow of you punters.”

Hang piñatas off the offender’s accouter aback he’s not looking, afresh accord some birthday-party kids bats and sticks, and acquaint them to go for it. That will actual this cheap habit.

“You are so strong. Wow, campusing on those jugs is just, like, so epic. Can I accomplish adulation to you, appropriate here, appropriate now, in advanced of everyone, to accurate my awe and account and affection for you with the accomplished of my concrete being? Can I accept your babies? Like, let’s aloof abolish our clothes and do it? I see you already accept your shirt off, so we’re center there…”

Campus up campus rungs on the campus lath in the campusing area.

Usually the crashpad wanderers are at the amiss crag, mouth-breathing, confused, consulting a guidebook or app with puzzled looks on their faces, in chase of the best used-up, over-traveled, over-sprayed barter avenue around: “Hey, do you apperceive breadth Deck Chairs on the Titanic is?” And actuality they are for some acumen activity action aggressive with a crashpad lashed to their back. Maybe there is some accuracy to the old antic climbers acquaint tourists who ask about the pads, “We’re activity off into the dupe to accept sex (or blur a porno).” I can’t anticipate of any added reason, can you? I mean, like, picnicking? Loafing around? Not abundant copse to cord a anchorage from? Seriously, what?

Swap out your crashpad for a cragging pack. Central this cragging backpack accompany the things you charge for cragging. Then, aback you go bouldering, accompany your bouldering pad. It’s all so actual simple.

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Oh, boy. This hit a new low for me the added day aback I saw a guy in a accepted meet-up lot in Bedrock sitting in the commuter bench of a car with his helmet already on. Maybe he was afraid the sun affectation was activity to spontaneously breach off and accord him a arch injury…or maybe it already had.

Don’t: Just. Do. Not.

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